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bosom , fell back fainting on the floor ? Of course she did this , and I respect her for it . It was a natural and dignified and femininely proper mode of proceeding . Could she know that the snake was harmless , was asleep on her parapet in the sun , and had only started up and hissed in fear at the sudden noise of the opening window ? Certainly not . It was her business , under the circumstances , to scream and faint : and she did her business .
Now let us shift the scene again . Mr . Frostick is returning in the evening from his office—returning eager for domestic enjoyment , impatient to fondle his wife and child . The servant opens the door to him , pale as if all her blood had been turned to whitewash ; and muttering fearfully about " Missus" and a serpent . He rushes into the parlour—there is his beloved partner , as nearly as possible raving mad , pressing the baby convulsively to her bosom . She has been attacked by a boa constrictor , twenty feet long , who lives in the roof
of the house—nothing shall induce her to sleep up stairs again , or to let the baby sleep up stairsno ! no ! it is of no earthly use for Mr . Frostick to tare , and taunt her about dreaming in broad day ' •* ight , her mind is made up : she would infinitely prefer going to the workhouse , or roaming the streets all night , to setting foot on the bedroom floor again . It is in vain for her husband to soothe , and promise , and expostulate—she is determined to pass the night on a chair in the back rjarlour ; and she sticks to her determination .
I am soon made aware that I have unconsciously introduced a serpent into a domestic garden of Eden . I have already told my mother that I have a snake ; my mother tells our servant ; our servant tells Mr . Frostick ' s servant ; and I get a message , requesting to know what I mean by ruining for ever the tranquillity of a whole household . I apologise , explain , and prove from natural history that the snake is perfectly harmless . In answer to this I get another message . Mrs . Frostick has consented to sleep up stairs again , provided the whole
roof of the house is taken off , to assure her that there is no snake in it : Mr . Frostick , as in connubial duty bound , has consented to this tremendous course of proceeding , conceiving at the same time the diabolically revengeful design of bringing an action against me to pay expenses . I laugh contemptuously at this , and dare him to meet me before our country ' s tribunals ; but serious considerations soon overcome me again , when I hear that the house roof has really been taken off , and no reptile found in any part of it .
Where is the . snake ? is the momentous question I now ask myself . AY'hat scrape will he get me into next ? Whose house will he visit , now he has done with Mr . Frostick ' s house ? " What babies will he ; frighten into fits , what mothers into swoons , what old gentlemen into apoplexies ? From the Church pulpit to the workhouse dustholc , there is no place in Stoke Muddlcton into which he may not at this moment be introducing himself ; and there is no individual in Stoke Muddlcton who will
not know him , by this time , to be my property whenever be appears . Talk about . Frankenstein and the Monster , that ' s all stud ' and fiction ! here ' s an appalling reality for you that no novelist of the lot of them can liave the smallest conception of ! here I am , expecting every minute to be ; told that 1 have innoce . nt . ly frightened to death some fellow parishioner ; and all because ; 1 have bought a snake , price four shillings , and failed to persuade the , ungrateful reptile , that , my best hat-box was a comfortable lodging for him !
I have not omitted making some attempt at putting an end to this frightful state of suspense . The other day ' paid two labouring men to become provisionally snake-hunters , and to search all Stoke ; Muelelletem for the : missing reptile . This proceeding mollified even the furious I'Yostiek ( who is putting on a bran-new slate roof to bis bouse ) ; but it produced no other effect . Once , indeed , my t , wo labouring men— -l ) abbs and ( Mutton- saw the snake : crossing the ; road ; changing bis quarters , perhaps , from a baby ' s cradle ; to an old woman ' s nightcap .
Dabbs f ^ -ive ; dm . s e , while Clutton stood still and called for extra help . The snake got . aWay , and lias not been seen since-. Dnbbsfelt certain that , be ; was on his way home ; to his native ; wood ( 'lutlou firmly be-lieved thai , be ; was directing bin course straight fo the hi , use ; of the ; Reverend Morbus Lipscus Stretch , our respected ministe ; r , who has twelve ; children to be ; frightened out of Mieir wits , and euie : more ; soon expected , for the snake ; to begin upon again wheu be has done with the first do / . en .
In the mean time , public opinion assumes , day by day , a more threatening aspect towards me . I am already , socially speaking , the Pariah of Stoke Muddleton . The reports ' circulated—especially among my poorer neighbours—about my snake , are worthy of the Dark Ages , or the Cannibal Islands . In some quarters it is believed , that I have let loose a boa constrictor , whose breath can poison people , yards and yards off . In others , it is averred that my so called snake was in reality an alligator from " foreign parts , " accustomed in his native country to feed exclusively on human flesh .
One select party , headed by the cheesemonger s overgrown errand boy , stoutly assert that my vagabond reptile has been seen crossing the high road , in the shape of a winged serpent . This last superstition gains ground immensely among all who remember that the snake not only escaped , nobody knew how , from a hatbox into a garden , but extended his wanderings still further , from a garden to the top of a house . In spite of the trellis-work that runs up the back of Mr . Frostick ' s abode , many people are still determined to believe that my
snake could only have got to the parapet outside the nursery window by flying there . This is a fact—I am exposing the bare truth , without adding one atom of embroidery . I am not writing for effect ; and , being no author , I could not do so if I would . The present is a serious statement , seriously intended—if I thought anybody would laugh at it , I should be utterly disgusted and disappointed . When a man has become , as I have , the accredited perpetrator of a perfectly original species of public nuisance , his position is far too solemn to be joked about either by himself or by others .
No ! persecuted and proscribed by a whole parish , publicly charged with predilections for keeping monsters , and letting them loose on society , ribald feelings are not the feelings which accompany such a revelation as mine . When I remember that the outrageous reports which I have described are spread abroad and firmly believed in this nineteenth century of education and cheap literature , by people who live within a sixpenny ride of the great metropolis , I really cannot accuse myself of revolutionary tendencies in crying aloud for social reform , in calling lamentably and imperatively for an immediate supply of Missionaries of the Brotherhood of Common Sense to
convert Stoke Muddleton . 'I he social disease is laid bare , in these unpretending pages ; let the remeely be forthwith applied , and I shall not have been ignorantly " sent to Coventry" by all my neighbours without some good coining from it , after all . Beyond this , I don't think I have much more to to say . Up to the present time I have not heard of my snake again ; he has either wriggled himself back te > his native wood , or is lurking in impervious concealment in somebody else ' s house . Mr . and
Mrs . Frostick have temeel down , under their new roof , inte > a state of dignified sullenness . Among the Stoke Muddleton mob opinion is still violently exasperated against me . The last , proof that was given e > f the estimation in which 1 am held by the populace generally , came ; from our own maid servant , who gave : us warning yesterday , assigning as the ; lvason that the bare : ielea of her living in the same : he > use with a ge-nl , who was f ' emel of serpents made : the affectionate ye > iing leael-sine-lter ' s journeyman with whom she : " kep' company" so nervous about her that she was compelled t . e > leave : her place , in common regard for he'r lover ' s pe ; ae : e : e > f mind . Insults such as these : have : lontr ceased to move
me ; persecutions , public or private-, strike : vainly at my tranquillity . I may have : lo . st , my . snake ; and lost my eharacte-r ; but 1 have : not lost my ardent interest in reptile creation . YVbile : this survives , I ean calmly expose" my sufferings from the ignorance : and malevolence ; e > f a large , parochial neighbourhexxl , and feel all the betl-er for it — 1 can boldly claim the : sympathies of my naturalist , bretbre : n thremghoiit the : world—and , best of all , 1 can still con . se-icutiously sign uiyse'lf ( certain that I am as gooel as my name' ) , I'm i i , o-Skiu > knh . I open my pii . pe : r again to say thai , I have : just received a letter from my brother Tom , who is in the . navy , and now with bis ship at . Itorneo . Tom ( ble-ss him !) writes word thai , knowing' my peculiar tastes , and anxious to gratify them , he bus nerured a . live boa constrictor for me : (!) and has He ; nt . it , oil" to my address here : by a homewardbound ship (! !) Need 1 say that . 1 shall receive' it . joylully—receive- it as a rod of chast , ise'me : nt opportunely arriving to scourge a calumnious ne ; ighbouihoe » el ? Welcome , avenging reptile ! Welcome , thrice welcome , to the ; village of Stoke Muddleton !
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HINDOSTAN . The Asiatic ( Jalleiy , a new and capacious room adjoining the : waxwork shew in Haker-slreet , coi - tains the ; last new colossal picture . <> n rollersi ; an thither we went last vve : e-k to assist at the ; gathein'g of notables , private acquaintances , and literary linwith wlue-li these : things are : usually niaug'irnUM . The ramparts of Fort William , the : citadel <» 1 i ""' eutta , forine'd the : starting point , w be : iieu ; \ - ascended the ( Jange . s to its se > urce : among the m *> ^ regions of the 11 imalaya . The first transition »¦< " l ~
the flat , e-ven range : of Doric respectability , ° \ { hall , < Jovmimeiit-liou . se , and Mint , to HOIIU > ' . ' , ' Hengal cottage scenery on the opposite ! oi * t ^ bank of the river , was striking anel agre eahlf . > without , eloubt , thought Louis Ilaglu-, tin : lif , j painter ; bis clever group of officers and < a < l 1 " ' , the first scene ; is completely eclipseel by the l >" " >; of unconstrained native : life which follows An <> u f artistic bit of painting , ere-elitable alike to tlw ¦ ¦}> " < scape painter , Mr . l'liilli |>» , ami to the great art . is - have : named , is a sunset , and would have : l , e < " < f > « perfect , e : v ,: n as a dhnannc cjject , but . for the w » ik of the machinist , who lms contrived lo ruin ti light and atmosphere by the veriest .-.
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* THE LYCEUM REOPENED . On Monday evening last , I found myself in what the American language designates by an " almighty fix " : and as many of my fellow-bachelors will probably understand the blissful tumult of my thoughts , I shall not hesitate to take them into confidence . The case is this . I had passed Sunday with the stately Harriet , and never before had I been so near making a fool of myself by offering my hand and copyrights where I had already given my heart . Justly alarmed and duly grateful for the escape , I resolved to fortify myself against a relapse by a severe perusal of Tertullian Ad Uxorem ; the remarks of the Christian Father upon marriage were to be the antidote to Harriet's eyes . I had a dim remembrance of his argument that St . Paul ' s counsel was far from intimating marriage to be a good thing in itself , but only good in comparison with something worse . I remembered also the splendid phrase of savage discernment in which he characterizes " that very bitter pleasure of children—liberorum amarissima voluptate , " not to mention " weekly bills" ! With . Tertullian I felt there was safety . But as the chair was wheeled to the fire , who should present himself but that mysterious and dirty entity the Devil ( the printer's !) , with an intimation that my presence was needed at the Lyceum Theatre , which was to reopen that night . Tertullian —the Lyceum—which was I to choose ? In the pages of the one lay perhaps the destiny of my future life—in the boxes of the other lay my duty ( and engagement on the header ) . Intellect was on the side of the quarto—the affections on the side of the theatre . Buridan ' s Ass , the schoolmen say , when placed between the two equally attractive temptations of water and hay , perished because the attractions were so equalised that he could not decide . But he was an ass . Vivian , being a philosopher , decided , and decided to let his affections gain the victory over his interest—he went to the Lyceum . Gay and brilliant was the house in its new decorations , happy the smiling faces of the audience pleased to be once more comfortably within its elegant walls . The comedy of my lucky , but overestimated friend , Slingsby Lawrence was played with great verve and finish ; and Charles Mathews , when be first presented himself as Affable Hawk , received the hearty friendly salute of a public that has no such accomplished actor among its favourites . Frank Mathews was as mordant anel effective as ever in the begging creditor ; and Roxby , in spite of nervousness ( they were all nervous !) , greatly improved in Sir Harry Lester . Every body had a " reception "; every body was made to feel at home by an audience that felt itself pleased to see its friends . After the comedy " God save the Uueen was sung by the company , which brought more old friends upon the stage , among them Mai > amk , wlu ) sang her verse with immense effect ; Julia nt . ( Jee ) rge , who improves daily ; Mrs . Frank Mathews , a deserved favourite ; nnel , beside : the old lamiliai fm : i ; s , there wore new faces-Mrs . Cliatterley ,, w > o returns te > the stage : after many years absence , to Ml a place long vacant ; Laura Keene from the Olynip < > and Mis . s Lanza , whose singing will be an acquisition . Vivian-
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1214 ffi | j £ fyt&XltT * [ Saturday ,
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Leader (1850-1860), Dec. 20, 1851, page 1214, in the Nineteenth-Century Serials Edition (2008; 2018) ncse2.kdl.kcl.ac.uk/periodicals/l/issues/vm2-ncseproduct1914/page/18/
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